Haven't written anything here all week. Too much going on. Too much uncertain.
Am I dumped? Not dumped? Am I moving to Canada, the USA, Europe? Staying here? Right now it looks like Canada is the place that will be attempted, although I rather expect that will fail. My professional accomplishments indicate I can work well and stably enough but I find it hard to believe anyone would want me. Surely they'd want more of an economic star.
However I feel about the USA, I doubt that's any longer an option either. Who would want to be, functionally, a backup choice? And atop my prior concerns about fragile financial security and punitive healthcare system, it seems increasingly as if the USA does not want me. Recent political developments there are frightening and lead me to fear for the wellbeing of everyone I know over there. Although, the rise in xenophobia at least is consistent across the English-speaking world. That last makes me worry migration is being effectively phased out.
What's gnawing at me is the realisation I won't get to share my life with everyone I made that commitment to. I have to choose between people I love, effectively have chosen. People will think there's something wrong with me for not having realised this. And despite having told one that Canada was on the cards with the others, I managed not to say that had become increasingly definite.. That's really bad.
I've managed to make bad mistakes at every turn and hurt the people I care about most. Typical for me, but still wrong and not to be let go.
It isn't going to work out. My feeling is that love may last but not relationships. I'm going to end up still here, alone, and I don't think I will find anyone else to love again. That's probably for the best. We're lucky to have made it this far, even if the last half of the decade we had were increasingly distant and painful.
You know what? This has all been doomed since at least 2012. I've just been too cowardly to face it and make a choice. Even if that would have just accelerated the end of everything.